I almost didn't make it home safely tonight. I was driving home from Dad's house. I was sitting at a traffic light. I looked at the various danglies I have in my van. I looked at the Medicine Bag that She made for me for my voyage to Phoenix last summer. REM's Losing my Religion comes on the Radio.
The light turns green. I turn left onto East-West connector from Atlanta Rd. The time is about 12:30. There is no traffic. I start singing along (very unusual for me, I have a great ear and no voice). I am approaching the traffic light at S. Cobb drive. The light is (believe it or not) green. By this time I have the stereo cranked to Maximum (very loud for those who are not familiar with my stereo) so that Ida can't hear my voice trembling.
I can't hear Ida, so she pointed at the Speedometer. I was approaching 95MPH. I let off the gas, still (for lack of a better word) singing. I noticed that I was down to 50 (45 zone). Moments later she was pointing again. Just under 80. I pulled off to the left as soon as the next left turn lane developed (last light before fontaine). I was still rolling a little when I threw it into park.
Music still blaring, I was now sobbing even louder. I broke down with my head in my hands, leaning my forehead against the steering wheel when it all finally overwhelmed me. I had shed a tear or two over losing her when I was on the phone with a mutual friend right after the breakup (actually minutes before I called her and made it official). This was a torrential downpour. I was unable to keep my chin up any longer. I wept for several minutes, Ida trying to comfort me, but I was inconsolable.
Then she broke her silence (after turning the radio WAY down) to tell me that Cobb county PD was behind me. I had not even noticed the blue lights. I did my best (D-) to pull myself together so that I would be able to figure out how long he had been watching me. I sat there with tears streaming down my cheeks and dripping off of my beard and making wet spots on my T-shirt (actually it's Adric's T-shirt, but I digress). I sat there and watched in my mirrors as nothing happened. I sat there and wondered why he was still just sitting there. Eventually a figure appeared in my side view mirror, He approached the van. I had already dropped the window in preparation. He asked if I was alright. Ss I tried to answer I just broke down again. Just for a moment. I regained some composure. I said, that I had been forced off the road by a song on the radio and my own inability to cope with pain. He asked if Ida and I were fighting. I said no, that it was about my Ex-Girlfriend. I then told him that I had to pull over because I had suddenly become unsafe to drive. He said that he understood, but I needed to pull to a parking lot lest one of cobb's "infamous drunk drivers" plow into me. I agreed (I said something like I wish, but I don't recall exactly what I said). I put the Van in drive (load thunk, transmission was not happy about being put in park while moving) and made the left turn into an unfinished commercial property.
I started to say something to Ida about how much I was hurting, but as soon as I opened my mouth I just started bawling again. I babbled about how hard I tried to make everything work. I babbled about how I don't want to change Her because I love Her the way She is. I babbled about how She lied to me. I babbled about how She manipulated me. I babbled about how much She has hurt me. I babbled about how much I still want Her. I acknowledged the fact that while I love Her the way She is, Her shortcomings (primarily but not limited to Her codependent relationship with Her mother) make any chance of reconciliation not merely unlikely, but just shy of impossible. I babbled some more. I babbled about how everywhere I go and everything I see somehow keeps Her on the very tip of my brain ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.
Not a moment goes by that my stomach doesn't hurt. My heart ache and my throat burn with Her memory. I can't pump gas, eat food or earn money, listen to music or write in my Live Journal without thinking about how if just this little thing or that little thing turned out just a bit more like the way I wanted it to, that I could look forward to falling asleep in Her arms that night. I rambled on about how I torture myself when I (still) bring Her brunch at work 'cause I know She doesn't eat breakfast and will skip lunch if I don't. I pick at my wounds when I sit down at the computer and hope She is online so we can chitchat about all the not-important stuff, steering wide around anything with substance. I told Ida that I am not strong enough to handle this pain. Ida assured me that none of us are and that it is amazing Man didn't die out the moment Adam and Eve started pointing fingers at each other ( I don't think Ida put it that way at all, but that is how I remember her saying it). I told Ida that all the love and happiness and unadulterated joy She and I shared could not compare to the hell I wish I never knew.
I decided that the pain outweighs the pleasure.
This is not the first time that my life has pointed me at that conclusion. Sh.O.; L.C.; L.N.(1); Sh.F.; D.S.; A.B.; E.M.; J.R.; L.N.(2); & R.N. had all demonstrated that to me. Some more unbalanced than others, some deeper than others. None of them were deep enough for me to learn my lessons. D.S. was close. E.M. was close. L.N. was very close. The others (not mentioned) didn't hurt enough to make the list. I am paying attention now. I don't need to be slapped again. and I'm tired of hurting.
I don't blame Her. Sincerely. I did at first. I admit that. I may be younger than She is, but I am not as naive as my actions would have led an outsider to believe. I made amateur level mistakes. I ignored problems until they were too big to ignore. I let Her mother pull my strings. I played into mom's games. her mother is selfish manipulative and cruel. I was aware of this because She warned me from the beginning about that fact. Even armed with that knowledge, I was still out-maneuvered. her mother and I were playing a high stakes game of chess with my Angel as the prize, and I let her mother convince me that the game was not one she wanted to win. I can't believe I fell for it. worse yet, I can't believe my Angel fell for it. her mother set up the dominoes and nudged just the right one at just the right time. She and I had problems that had nothing to do with her mother. Had our relationship been stronger at the time, we might still be together. We were weak. We had not been communicating well for some time. We knew this. We had agreed to sit down and talk IT through, whatever It was that was causing us trouble. but that agreement came a bit too late, and on top of that, we put it off several times. The stage was set just right for checkmate. With my king alone and on the run, I resigned. Victory goes to the Black Queen. Treachery defeats valor. I truly believe that. I wish my Love the best; Honest I do. But deep in my heart, I believe that she will never find someone who will treat her as well as I did. I know I will never find another like her. There isn't one.
She is the total package. Brains, beauty, humor, sexy, passionate, affectionate, daring, caring, loving and She cooks. She Cooks well I might add. And She never looked out of place. We met at Fantasm 2001. Both of us were there for our first time. She looked as though She had started it Herself. We went hiking together. She worked on my motorcycle with me. She was the talk of the party each time we went to a function with the Consulate. She was at home at either Six Flags or the Opera. I have never met one as versatile as She is. But She is not without fault. None of us are. Her imperfections captured my heart as much as Her strengths.
I'm giving up. Or maybe a better word is retire. I will not put myself through this again. I got the message this time. My heart has raised the white flag. I still love Her. I just wish I didn't. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt.
ps I debated whether or not to allow comments. I decided to allow comments, but I ask that you please spare me the cliches. I've heard them all and I won't be kind to those who fail to head this warning. Also, for those who don't know, the pic is of Her, not a pic I took myself, but one publicly available on the internet, if you can find it.
Proofed and edited