Techaholic (techaholic) wrote,

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things we learn

if you've been reading my journal, you probably already know that I'm hurting. you know that I went through a major life change when She and I broke up. you may also know that I decided that I wasn't going to put myself through that again. you might even recall me saying that I've learned my lesson. apparantly not well enough.
I allowed myself to have and show feelings (the wall running through my head now) for another. big mistake. I was willing to do anything to make the pain of losing Her ebb. developing similar feelings for another started that. this new player decided that she wasn't really interested in me, and that was fine. I could handle that. but now all ties have been cut and contact has been forbidden. I still know not why. I know what was said, but I fail to understand. like I said, I guess I don't learn as well as I thought I did. I made some bad decisions. I should have kept my distance. I failed to take certain obvious factors into account. her decision not to be with me was predictable. her decision to sever communication blind sided me. I was so unprepared that I was unable to verbalize effectively when I was notified. I have lost a friend and that hurts. I hurt another in the process and that really hurts. I have always been reckless with my heart. I keep forgetting that I am not the only one who suffers from that. score update: pain 2, robert 0.
maybe next time I will be more reserved. maybe I won't take as many risks. maybe I won't allow myself to get attached so easily. maybe I will balk and miss out on the Right One. bigger risk -> bigger payout. smaller risk -> smaller loss.
I need to be more careful who I trust. my mood swings open my defenses. when I hit a low point, I tend to convict myself without the benefit of a defense. when I do that in front of someone, I may succeed in convincing them of my evil nature as well. I try to be honest with myself. not always easy. my motives are dynamic. when I am up, I only see the good behind my actions. when I am down, I only see the subterfuge. the truth is far more complicated than that. why can't I take actions that have self-serving outcomes that also have noble benefits without the need to crucify myself over them? doesn't everybody do that? well, do they? I don't know. I know how I judge others by their actions. I judge myself by my intentions. harsh double standard. but how do I rectify that? if I were to judge myself by what actually happens, rather than what I intended to accomplish, I would have offed myself long ago. I know.. I tried that before. suicide was the result. I say suicide, not attempt because I was succesful. I flatlined and was "brought back" by the medical staff of shallowford hospital. remind me to put them on my list of those to blame for my problems. So changing how I judge myself is out. at least for now. the other obvious option is to start trying to judge others by their intentions. that works fine enough from a distance, but you can't always know someone else's intentions. even if they tell you what they were. that takes trust. we have all learned the too much trust just thrown around to whoever wants it leads to serious pain. the whole point of this excersize is to reduce or eliminate pain. I've tried this option too. I trusted Her when she said things like "I am always like this in the winter, I will feel better when the weather is warmer." My gut told me she was being less then honest, but I trusted Her. this wasn't even someone I just met. we lived together as lovers and as friends. there was probably just enough truth in that statement that She could make it and still feel like She was being honest with me. the real truth was much more painful... that our relationship was dying. Her intention, near as I can tell, was to avoid the end. to avoid that pain. but it doesn't work. it only postpones it. and it hurts more when it hits. Her intention was to spare us both pain, so I shouldn't be upset with her. but the outcome was worse. and She should have known that. She's not new to that problem.
so that brings me to another realization that I've already had but seem to forget whenever convenient. life -> people -> Relationships -> pain -> repeat (number of repeats is variable) -> despair -> death. or in some cases pain -> anger -> hate -> suffering.
Greywolfe recently reminded those who read his journal of something that I had already known, but conveniently forgotten. depression is anger without enthusiasm. or something along those lines. I don't quote well. but who am I really angry at? I can only blame myself. I guess my lack of enthusiasm is a good thing. otherwise I'd go off half-cocked and kick my ass. or worse. I promised Ida I wouldn't use the shotgun she sold me (years ago) for that purpose. I meant it. I will stick to that. besides. way too messy. but no matter how I would choose, someone else would have to clean it up, 'cause I would bot be able to at that point. so I'm safe until I find someone else to be angy enough at to do that to them. the problem is that anyone I'd be that angry enough at, probably would'nt care enough to justify the effort. so again, I am safe at least for now. I just wish I could stop crying. not all the time mind you. my manic side wouldn't allow that. but I've cried almost every day at one point or another since my post about finally crying over Her. maybe I still am. I think there is more to it than that, but I am not even certain. I just start crying sometimes. really bad when it happens while working. so far no clients have noticed. only happend onsite twice. I am usually either too sleepy or too engrossed in what I am doing. at least what I do uses enough of my brain to distract me.
I really need to sleep more. but here I am, awake at ohfuckoclockinthemorning (4:00am for those without their Robert to English translater) posting to live journal so that my friends can cry a river for me over my own inept decisions. that is why I post isn't it? I don't really need live journal to tell myself I am depressed. I post so that those who care enough to read this can say "there there. it'll all be okay" and some will, or at least they were going to until they got to this part. I make my own problems. I ignore the advice of others and I put myself in harms way. then when I do get harmed I look around to see who I can blame. go me. I am a true american aren't i? then again, no one reads long posts anyway. I only do when I should be sleeping. that way I can stay up more, and then either oversleep or try to function sleep deprived. can we say "self-destrcutive"? maybe we could if I could spell. I know I spelled that wrong, it looks wrong. just can't see where it's wrong... hey guess what? another metaphor. I am so deep.

at least I delivered that server finally. too bad I had to configure it wrong to adapt to the missing parts. so much for calling myself a professional. who am I kidding really? not me. but I still jave clients so I guess I will just keep going and see what comes of it. the flood gates still won't stop. there is so much more CRAP in my head, but I have to be awake in 2 hours now. I guess I will go take a nap. maybe I will be happy while I am sleeping. boy that was cheesy. don't you have any dignity robert? could you be a bit less subtle. I think the dead missed that.
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